Life currently

My third year of uni has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have consolidated friendships, met new inspiring people, succeeded with my degree, continued my fitness journey and all in all experienced a new kind of happiness that I haven’t felt before. 

But underlying that I have been struggling, it has not all been easy. I am currently dealing with an emotion that I have never dealt with before. An emotion that seems to consume me when I least expect it. 

Grief. 

An emotion that everyone deals with in their own way. 

Whilst I am grateful for the fact that I am 21 and have gone this far without feeling this kind of pain for a loved one, it still has not made the experience any easier. I have experienced heart break, I have experienced  anxiety and now I have undergone a season of grief. And whilst all I have expressed my emotion in a similar way I understand that all have effected me in entirely different ways. 

I have learnt so much during this season, but most of all I’ve learnt that for me it was a process. I went through a period of intense denial. With living away from home I could easily shut myself off to what was happening, I had the ability to somewhat push aside my emotions and carry on. Which I did for quite a few months. Because I wasn’t living in the situation, surrounded by my family who were all undergoing the same process, I could shut it out. 

I can’t decide wether this was particularly a good way of coping or not, my focus was not on my well being more so on getting through my third year of uni. 

When I finally had was put in a situation where I had to face my emotions I continued to shut off, I came back to uni, and then I eventually broke. I remember feeling this incredible pain, and waking up for days just crying. And whilst I wasent grieving due to the individual still being present, I was grieving the inevitable. 

As soon as I acknowledged this emotion it has been more difficult than ignoring the situation. I am a particularly emotional person anyway, but recently I haven’t  been able too control these emotions. one phone call with my sister or my mum. Or simply a text could lead to me breaking down in a very public place like the library or work. THIS IS OKAY. You are allowed to express your emotions. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. 

I am now in a place where I am ready for the next stage. I have dealt with this experience very separately from my family and now I understand that that was my coping mechanism. But for now to get through this I know that this is what will make my family stronger. Do not distance yourself from the people who care the most. Because they are your biggest anchor. 

I have been fortunate enough to have an amazing group of freinds who have supported me in many ways, wether they knew what I was going through or not. Just then supporting me as an individual, taking time for me has been enough. This is where I strongly believe in surrounding yourself with individuals who take the time to be with you. Who uplift your life, who don’t bring negativity because when you are experiencing any painful emotion, people who pull you down are not the types of individuals you need in your life when your going through a hard season. Friends shouldn’t make your life harder. 

So my three points- 

• Allow yourself time to breathe, you shouldn’t go through life not dealing with your emotions or looking after yourself. Have a cry. Have a you day. You are allowed to spend a day looking after your soul. 
• Do not push your family away. It’s easy especially when you live miles away to distance yourself. DONT. have those phone calls with your mum tell her your thoughts and feelings, it might be painful, it might be hard to talk about emotions that you don’t truly understand but it is healthy. 
• GET RID OF TOXIC ENERGY. I have really learnt that negativity wether it’s people that stress you out or situations which don’t make you feel good, GET RID. Be selfish, walk away. You are doing what you need to do for yourself. Obviously don’t be a bitch about it but your emotions your well being is the most important thing. 

I actually wrote this two months ago.. and since I have had a breakdown but I have also pulled myself up and feel stronger and happier than I’ve ever felt before, with a great support system and so many exciting things planned for the rest of the year. Yes I’m still upset over losing  a loved one but I’m learning to cope with it, and learning not to take life for granted.